The Ceremony

Below are some of our favorite ideas for the ceremony - we'll be adding more
ideas soon.

The ceremony should set the tone for the entire day. Some couples prefer a traditional religious ceremony officiated by a clergy member, while others might consider a civil ceremony without religious restrictions. Interfaith couples may choose an ecumenical ceremony in which a clergy member from each faith is present. Whatever you desire, your ceremony should satisfy both your feelings and beliefs.

Selecting A Site
You'll want to select a ceremony site and officiant as soon as possible. Since fees and requirements vary from place to place, it's necessary to ask about restrictions and costs. Many sites are free or available for a small donation, while others may charge a fee or require permits. You may also be expected to give a separate donation to the officiant so be sure to ask what he usually receives. You should also ask what the standard service consists of, and the amount of freedom you'll be given to personalize it. You'll also want to know what kind of services the facility provides (music, cleanup, decorations, aisle runner) and if there are any restrictions on music or photography.

Musical Selections
Nothing sets the mood for your wedding like the ceremony music you choose. Ceremony music has three distinct parts: the prelude, the processional, and the recessional. The prelude, which usually begins 30 minutes before the ceremony, consists primarily of classical selections for your guests' enjoyment. If a vocalist will perform, schedule it for just before the processional. The processional follows once the bridal party is lined up. It should be a majestic march with a good tempo for walking down the aisle. Finally the recessional, which is a festive, uplifting march.

Readings And Prayers
Readings and prayers may be used to turn even the most strictly religious ceremony into a highly personalized event. The range of choices you have will depend on your officiant's rules, you'll want to consult with him regarding this. Once you know what message you want a reading or prayer to convey, your officiant can be most helpful in finding an appropriate selection. You might choose a favorite scripture, or a poem that represents your feelings about marriage. You may also ask special friends or relatives who aren't in your wedding party to read the various selections. It's a great way to include more loved ones in your wedding and they'll feel honored to be asked.

Special Touches
Opportunities abound for making a wedding ceremony uniquely yours. In addition to carefully selecting your ceremony music, vows and readings, you might include rituals from your own culture or borrow some you like from others.

1. 1. Is the church or ceremony location available on the date and time of the wedding?
2. 2. How long is a typical ceremony?
3. 3. Can the ceremony location seat the number of guests we plan to invite?
4. 4. Are there any restrictions for flowers and decorations?
5. 5. Are there any restrictions on music?
6. 6. Are there any restrictions on the bride's dress or bridesmaids' dress?
7. 7. Are there any restrictions for photography and video?
8. 8. Are there any restrictions for a reception held at the church?
9. 9. Do you have any suggestions for music and musicians?
10. 10. What time may the florist enter the church to decorate?
11. 11. What time may we begin taking pictures?
12. 12. Is there a dressing room? And if so, where is it?
13. 13. What (such as birdseed) is allowed to be thrown outside the building?
14. 14. Should you hire a traffic officer?
15. 15. Does the church provide an aisle runner?
16. 16. Are there any fees for the church, officiant, music, etc?
17. 17. What times are available for the rehearsal?

• Limit the number of attendants that you choose.
• Limit the number of guests you invite.
• Limit the number of ceremony musicians.
• Limit the number of flowers at the ceremony - save the decorations for the much longer reception.
• Skip the programs - printing costs can get expensive.

The lighting of the unity candle has become a popular and symbolic wedding tradition. The unity candle can be a simple taper, plain white or ivory pillar candle, or a fancy decorated candle. The stocky pillar candles can be decorated with flowers, beads, ribbons, your invitation, or your names and wedding date. After the wedding, they can be converted into "anniversary candles", that you re-light on each anniversary.

There are several ways to do the unity candle lighting. You need two small taper candles, one on each side of the unity candle. These can be pre-lit before the ceremony, or you can light them during the ceremony, depending on the symbolism you prefer. Be sure to have a small votive candle nearby to use for lighting these candles. Don't use a match or lighter.

If the two smaller candles represent your individual lives up to this moment, then you can have them pre-lit, or you can light them at the beginning of the ceremony. After the officiant has declared you husband and wife, each of you take one small candle in your opposite hands, facing each other, place the flames together over the unity candle, then lower them together and light the unity candle. At this point you would blow out the two smaller candles, and place them back in their holders, symbolizing your union as one in marriage. If you prefer, you could also leave all three candles lit in their holders.

If you want the unity candle ceremony to represent the union of both families, then you, or your mothers can light them at the beginning of the ceremony. If the mothers are lighting the candles: As each mother is escorted down the aisle, the usher takes her to the unity candle area where she lights one of the small candles and places it back in its holder, then she is seated. After the officiant declares you husband and wife, you walk to the unity candle, each of you taking one of the smaller candles, place the flames together and light the unity candle. You will place the still-lit smaller candles back in their holders, symbolizing the Bride's family, the Groom's family, and your new family (the Bride and Groom).

Outdoor ceremonies using a unity candle: Use hurricane lamps. You can purchase these in various sizes at most craft stores, department, and discount stores. It does not matter if the flame is blown out by the wind. Lighting the unity candle is the symbol of your union in Love. It is the lighting that is important. You can always re-light it later for more pictures. Protect the flame, like you protect your love.

The Minister, The Groom, & The Best Man
After the bride's mother is seated and the wedding procession is formed in the vestibule, the minister, the groom and the best man enter the church from the front right and take their places at the right side of the aisle. The best man stands slightly behind the groom and to his left. They both face the congregation and wait for the procession to begin. (NOTE: You may also choose to have all the groomsmen enter with the minister, groom, and best man).

The Attendants: Traditional Order
All of the attendants should walk slowly but no hesitation step is necessary. The ushers or groomsmen go first walking two by two (or sometimes alone), with the shortest man first. At the front of the church they should line up tallest to shortest on the right side with the shortest man being farthest from the groom.

The bridesmaids follow - either walking in pairs or alone - shortest woman first. At the front of the church they should line up tallest to shortest on the left side with the shortest woman farthest from the bride. Next is the maid or matron of honor. If there are both, the matron of honor goes first and then the maid of honor - so that the maid of honor stands closest to the bride. After the maid of honor, comes the flower girl, she takes her place on the left side of the church next to the maid of honor, and next to last is the ring bearer. This little guy will take his place on the right side of the church next to the best man.

The Bride
Okay - last but not least the bride. The organist will play the music that the bride has chosen to walk to whether it be "Here's Comes The Bride" or something else. At this point the congregation should stand and turn towards the back of the church. (Tip: Brides, if you are having programs for your wedding, please indicate the places where the guests should stand and sit. Many weddings are different and it is hard for the guests to know exactly what to do. Make it easy for them - spell it out!!) When the congregation stands, the bride and her father begin their walk down the aisle. The bride should walk on her father's right. When she reaches the groom's side, she lets go of her father's arm, moves her flowers to her left arm and gives her right hand to her groom. He puts her hand through his left arm and her hand rests near his elbow. The congregation remains standing until the bride's father sits down.

The Service
The Ceremony will be conducted by the minister and will vary from church to church - but here are the basics. When the pastor asks "who gives this woman to be married to this man?" The bride's father reaches in front of her and puts her right hand into the pastor's and either says "I do" or "Her mother and I." He then turns and joins his wife in the front pew. The congregation may be seated. (Note: If the bride's father is deceased, she may choose her brother, uncle, godfather, friend or even her mother to give her away. She should choose whoever she feels the most comfortable with.) As the father and congregation are being seated, the pastor turns and walks to the altar followed by the bride and groom, the maid of honor and the best man, then the flower girl and the ring bearer. At this point the bride hands mher flowers to her maid of honor.

Exchanging Rings
When it is time, the best man hands the bride's ring to the minister who blesses it and returns it to the groom. The groom then places it on his bride's ring finger on her left hand after repeating his vows. (Her engagement ring should be worn on her right hand during the ceremony.) Then the maid of honor hands the groom's ring to the minister who blesses it and hands it to the bride. She places it on the groom's ring finger on his left hand after repeating her vows. Finally after a blessing and a prayer - maybe a song or two, the minister says "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." The groom kisses the bride and the recessional begins.


The Recessional
The bride takes her flowers from her maid of honor and then the bride and groom leave the sanctuary, followed by the flower girl and ring bearer and then the maid of honor and best man. They are followed by the other attendants; who step forward and pair off with one usher or groomsmen escorting one bridesmaid. Next the mothers are escorted out, bride's mother first, and then the grandmothers, bride's grandmothers first. After the grandmothers, the guests are welcome to stand and file out from the front to back.

Just before the procession begins in a Christian ceremony; the officiant takes his place, with the groom to the left, and the best man to his left, facing the guests. The groomsmen may also stand at the front, or they may start the procession walking in pairs. They are followed by the bridesmaids. The honor attendant (maid or matron of honor) enters next.

As another option, the groomsmen and bridesmaids can enter together, in pairs, with the best man and the honor attendant. You should line up the bridesmaids and groomsmen from tallest to shortest, with the shortest bridesmaid being farthest away from the bride and the shortest groomsmen being farthest away from the groom.

If a ring bearer and a flower girl participate, these little ones are the last ones down the aisle before the bride, and should stand, flower girl next to the maid of honor, ring bearer next to the best man.

The bride is next, escorted by her father, on his left arm. Today's bride's often ask their mother to walk down the aisle with them also, on her other side.

At a traditional, formal Christian wedding or a large civil ceremony, the bride's family and friends are seated on the left, the groom's on the right. Mark off the first few rows with flowers or ribbon as seating for immediate family and special guests, such as the flower girl and ring bearer's parents, someone giving a reading, and close relatives. Divorced parents may sit together in the front row, if they are remarried or not on good terms, the father and his wife should sit in the third row. Ushers seat guests as they arrive, from front rows to the back; the final guests to be seated are, in this order: grandparents, mother of the groom (with father walking just behind), and mother of the bride.

Your ushers will show your guests to their seats as they arrive. As with the families, the bride's guests are seated on the left, the groom's on the right. If more guests are expected from one family, simply seat guests evenly on either side so that everyone has a good view. An usher should offer a female guest his right arm to escort her to her seat. Male guests may simply be led. When a number of guests arrive at once, seat the eldest ones first. If your having a military wedding, you'll need to consider the ranking of your guests and develop a seating plan. Consult with a representative from your or your fiancé's branch of service for specific guidelines.

At a traditional, formal Jewish wedding the bride's side is the right, the groom's, the left. The parents stand under the huppah, or wedding canopy, during the ceremony; if parents are divorced, step parents may sit in the aisle seats in the second and third rows or stand under the huppah if they are very close to the bride or groom.

When to Begin
Like the rest of wedding planning, the search for an officiant should begin as soon after the engagement as possible. It is best if an officiant is contacted a year in advance, with meetings six months, and ten days before the wedding. The bride and groom will feel more at ease if contact with the officiant has been established and everyone knows what to expect.

Where to Begin
First the couple must decide whether the ceremony will be religious or civil. A religious ceremony; will be performed by an ordained officiant such as a priest, rabbi, or minister. A civil ceremony; is performed by a certified officiant in accordance with state laws such as a county clerk, justice of the peace, or mayor. Whether the ceremony is religious or civil be sure to book an officiant as soon as possible.

For a Religious Ceremony
Any clergy-person who officiates will want the couple's interests to be deep-seated and to extend beyond the architecture of the church.

If the couple are the same religion and are members of a church or synagogue, then the choice of officiant is probably clear.

Where to Look
Someone who is not a member of a church or synagogue can find a clergy person by calling local churches and a religion's national headquarters for referrals. A wedding planner will often have a list of officiants she has worked with and can pass those names along. The couple should take note of friends' services they've enjoyed, and ask them for references as well.